rAMBLINGS of A pASSION8 hEART

GLINDA
I’ve heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don’t know if I believe that’s true
But I know I’m who I am today
Because I knew you:

Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I’ve been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good

(from the broadway musical Wicked)

last may15 i turned 33. grabe. time flies past very fast. too fast. as in. =/

one hi-schooler (FNL) girl from church sms me that day and told me that i’m the most ADULT adult she has ever met. as i think about it, i know that deep inside, part of me resides a little girl, stuck somewhere in deepest part of my being– in short, I AM STILL SELFISH. haha (just choose the right words and make it poetic, then i can easily get away with being SELFISH and SELF CENTERED. hehe)

however we may put the words around the word SELF, it is still SELFISHNESS. When i know my rights and my actions demand that my rights be RESPECTED and MET then it’s being selfish…and most of the time this same ’selfishness’ hurt the people around us… mostly the people we care about. And THAT brings my soul to despair.

Oswald Chambers wrote on his devotional My Utmost for His Highest (may 24) that there are 2 kinds of despair (1) despair which has no delight… no hope or anything brighter.

But there is this what he called the DELIGHT OF DESPAIR. A despair that springs from the knowledge that "…nothing in me (that is, in my flesh) nothing good dwells.." Romans 7:18…and this is the kind that brings you down on your knees and fall prostrate to a Holy God.

knowing that something in me, my own flesh, still finds its way up and resurface again and again, i can (if i choose to) fall into the first kind of ‘despair’.

But the presence of a good God reminds me that my flesh is not what is TRUE about me. What is True about me is that I am His child that He has given me a new heart and a new spirit, a new creation in Christ Jesus.

So, as i think about my whole life ahead me, i know that i am a working progress, God’s working progress…but i delight in despair coz the badness in me ushers me into falling infront of a Holy God, and in His hand He shall raise me up to His love.

I know that God in his graciousness shall make things right in me and around me. all i have to do is TRUST and have Faith that my ‘Despairs’ are the ones that have HOPE. and with that, i pray that i may be able to LOVE others and God the way that would bring glory to His name.

happy birthday to me!!

12:12 pm
May 24, 2008 (saturday)

like NOAH, i am asked to believe on SOMETHING that does not exist yet. for Noah, it’s the RAIN.

Noah and myself might be waiting for something very different, but the level of vulnerability that it exposed me and Noah, i guess, are quite the same.

we (noah and me) have exposed ourselves in ridicule. people have laughed at noah for building the ark. unlike noah, i’m quite confident that people who care for me will not laugh at me, but one thing i’m sure of– they FEAR for me.

but fear should NOT be the issue here anymore. i kept on telling myself that God knows what He is doing. and whatever happens, i know that He loves me.. and that He is still GOOD. 

psalms 138:8
the Lord will work out his pans for my life— for your faithful Love, O lord, endures forever. Lord, please….Don’t abandon me, for you made me…

this is my now

there was a time

i packed my dreams away

living in a shell

hiding from myself

there was a time

when i was so afraid

i thought i’d reached the end

baby, that was then

but I am made more than my
yesterdays

 this is my now

and I am breathing every moment

as I look around

I can’t believe the love I see

my fear’s behind me

gone are the shadows and doubt

that was then

this is my now

I had to decide

was i gonna play it safe?

or look somewhere deep inside?

try to turn the tide

find the strength to take the
step of faith?

I have a courage like never before

I settled for less, but I’m
ready for more

(…sang and popularized by Jordin Sparks…)

my thoughts precisely… 4 days ago…

__________________________________

march 24, 2008, monday
16:43

Have you ever been the most important person in someone else’s life? or have you ever wished that you were?

Often times, we go through life disappointed because we have these certain expectations from others to depend on us, to make us important in their life.

But as a Servant of Jesus, "If you become a necessity to someone else’s life, you are out of God’s will.." these were the words of Oswald Chambers, writer of My Utmost For His Highest book on today’s devotional.

There are times when we aren’t aware that we are standing in the way of someone else’s growth or healing. That instead of looking to Jesus, we want the people we care about to depend on us for strength, affirmation, and acceptance… and we feel good about life when we become important to their sense of well-being.

But the John, The Baptist said that "Jesus must increase, and i must decrease.." (3:30)

"Lord, i’m sorry for the times when i took your place in someone else’s life.. may i not stand in the way of anybody’s growth or healing.. but instead let You have your way in anybody’s life.. may you use me according to Your purpose and will…and may i not cross the line between being Your servant and being Your ‘competitor’. Your Bride (the church) belongs to You alone, The True Bridegroom of the Church.. Amen."

"the bride belongs to the bridegroom…"
John 3: 29

God gave a directive this season… He commanded me to forget about the past.

… but then there is this part of my past that i am remembering right this moment. and i’m quite sure that i am not disobeying a directive this way. hehe. my brain remembers…june, 2003. =)

i was browsing through my email and found hundreds of emails from philippine friends the first month we (kC and i) left for Indonesia to teach.

and with that i remembered…

• the prayer that grew after my mission’s trip to Indonesia (2001).
• the answer to that prayer.
• the love of my family.
• the love of a ’sulmit’. =)
• the many set of arms that held me in the airport.
• the pain and longing of a friend.
• the wonderment of stepping on my new room.
• the window panes that held my elbows as i pray for Indonesia everyday.
• the pillows that gathered tears on my bed.
• the new faces that started to fill my heart.
• the new family that God is putting me .
• the little hearts that made me want to stay.
• love losts…more love gained..
• dreams..visions..and promises..

these.. are the only past that, i think, God is allowing me to remember. 

..and remembering them moves my heart in gratitude of a God who planted me right in the middle of His will.. who planned all these, even before i made my first step in Indonesian soil..

"Lord, thank you for bringing me here… thank you for sustaining me all these years… may your purpose be fulfilled in me and around me… use me as you see fit. i will wait for You…Amen."

..just woke up from a loooooong power nap. i haven’t taken a nap since friday last week. grabe. now i know why i am sooooooooooo sleepy ya. i like power naps. it gives you power afterwards. hehe..like right now… i can’t sleep. gudlak besok.

:-/

I watch the moon
As it rises on your lovely face
I think of all the places
You have yet to go
What a wonder you will know
All the things yet to discover
Like the autumn colors
With all your seasons changing
In this world

I hung the moon
There to shine upon your lovely face
I made the universe to dance
When your heart sings
In hopes that someday you would see
My love uncovered
Like a long lost letter left to lead you home
Never be alone, for…

I have made a promise
And so it will be
This is a promise
Everlasting
I belong to you
And you to Me
So ask Me once again
And it remains
As it was to begin
A promise
And a promise you cannot change
It remains the same

I color life
Like a painting on your heart and soul
I made the wonder and the mystery you dream of
And if that is not enough
I’ll never leave you
Of all the things I’ve promised you
Remember
Love is for always
And I will never change for

So keep on watching
Keep on waiting
Let your soul ignite and shine it
Like a candle in the night
So the promise never dies
Keep it alive

by: M.W. Smith

_________________________________________

i remember listening to this song as i walk on the quieter streets of my university back in the philippines.. I was on my way to meet a Korean mom, who, at that time, was my student in English conversation.. i’m remembering this song, not because of the Korean mommy. hehe. but because last Sunday night, as i wrestle with God with what he wants me to do here, Carol smsd me. In her message, she is telling me to forget about the PAST.. but instead rest on God. That my PAST won’t play a role on what FUTURE God has for me, and my family. He will do something better.. greater… all i had to do is believe.

…and the song above, titled THE COVENANT, is exactly what God is tryin to tell me.

"So ask Me once again…And it remains…As it was to begin…A promise….And a promise you cannot change….It remains the same…"

"Lord, i thank you that in Your grace, Your promises to me remains.. that however i may have disappointed you over and over again by my unbelief, Your covenant stays the same..i want to give my Utmost for Your highest… i know that saying I love You to You does not compare to the I love you’s You have uttered me over the CROSS.. but here it is..i love you with all my heart… and with all my soul. I love you with all of me.. and with all of what i can be.. and with all what you want me to become..to You i give my all.. whatever Future You may give me, I accept it, knowing that You will be there with me.. May Your will be done in my life…Amen."

11:01pm

 ‘..but these things i plan won’t happen right away, slowly, steadily, surely, the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled. if it seems slow, wait patiently, for it will surely take place. It will not be delayed…’

                                                          habbakuk 2:3

today, and for the past few days, i have almost given up on a dream.. it just seem to be too hard, at times. especially, when nothing in this Present seems to prove that it could happen.

when you’re about to give up, a flicker of hope, a slight glimpse of what is for you, is given by a Gracious God, of whom, for the sake of His Glory, all promises given shall be fulfilled..

"lord, i want to let go of this dream… You know how much i really want to let go… help me stay, if that’s Your will for me..please, Lord… help me stay…"

"…when ur close to tears remember
someday it will all be over
someday we’ll gonna be so high" -High, by Lighthouse Family

…the lyrics of the song rang in my head even

when my earphones aren’t on my ears anymore. and

as if i can hear the Lord singing the song to

me. cute. =)

…just finished watchin’ BOYS and

GIRLS..interesting movie..

cafein just kicked in. gudlak. i need to sleep!!

aaaaaargggggh.

12:23 am

i let my grade 2 students watch Veggie Tales earlier. A tomato, an asparagus, a cucumber and a few peaches and peas starred this short cartoon titled "Josh and The Big Wall". It’s a veggie-version of the Fall of Jericho. =)

So, imagine a set of vegetables, being attacked with purple Slushees and dressed in table napkins, hoppin around the tall wall of Jericho guarded by French Green Peas. hehe.

Other than IT being silly, it actually portrayed Israel’s stubborness on having their own way instead of following God directions…and how Joshua chose to follow God even when it is as silly as bringing a big wall down with just one loud shout.

i guess following God isn’t that easy huh? Especially when all odds are against you and it feels like it is just doesn’t make sense to hang on….

The Wallmanator 3000. =) The Veggie-Israelites effort on bringing down the walls of Jericho. Silly as it may seem, but sometimes we have our own Wallmanators- the things that we thought works better than God’s way…the things that WE DO instead of following God’s directions. So what’s your Wallmanator??? hehe

i had a disturbing dream last nite.

in my dream, i have a deep cut in my right heel. so deep that you can see the flesh already. but the thing is there’s no blood at all. it’s as if every drop has been drained.

i didn’t know that i’m wounded in my dream. until Somebody stooped down to put band-aid on it. and i went ‘ouch!’ and looked down, finding a person down in His knees, and the wound being tended. i was even surprised i have it.

i took the band-aid from the Person, and i tried to put the strip myself. But He took it from me and said I needed more than one strip. And He even added that… He will do it for me.

i guess this is one of the reason why i feel so weak today. i’m emotionally exhausted. i woke up from the dream and i prayed..in between sleeps i prayed. each time i wake up, i prayed. for myself, for the people i care about who were in my dream.

"Lord, i guess there’s a reason for every woundedness we have and will have in the future. May we always let You keep on getting the Band-Aid from me…from us..and let you heal us..for You are the God, OUR Healer.."

Jeremiah 17:14

"O Lord, You alone can heal me; you alone can save me. My praises are for you alone."

the long day has ended. finally.

i have been imagining myself somewhere…flat on

my back. staring at nothing. not thinking of

anything. or anyone. or whatever that might

occupy some space in my memory bank. i just want

to lay really, really, really still…

today, even breathing is an effort.

i can’t barely make out a squeak last week.

i had a hard time making out words out of my mouth. usually it’s mostly air instead of words. i went on like this for 4 days, mouthing words, and doing ‘charades’ to communicate… stomping and hizzing works well too! Especially if you are a teacher. hehe

it was frustrating at the beginning. but as i just sit, and surrender to nature’s call of being SILENT, i realize that it was comforting.

comforting because….

-i can just watch people.

-i don’t feel the need to fill in the silence.

-i can just resort to a head shake, a point on the throat…. and a smile in exchange of a reply to a question.

-i canNOT retort back when people tease me. (that’s comforting..atleast we won’t end up fighting. haha)

-i can use SIGN LANGUAGE, though. resorting to Punching a person on the arm sends the exact signal that if ONE still wants to see TOMORROW, ONE has to WATCH OUT. (comforting? yes, because i don’t need to beat the hell out of a person and shout at the same time. No one will notice. hekhek

-i can just let out a blow of air in response to a question in a fonecall..

-and an EXTRA big blow of my breath to a ‘get-well-soon’ remark. (sign languages obviously don’t work.hehe)

i can go on and on on how nice it is NOT to have a voice. but there is one thing i miss during those times….

it’s the last day of my school’s sportfest today. i

stayed and watched the closing program.

i sat there in the gym, mouth gaping. i was able to

witness skills, agility, and endurance of athletes,

as each performs well…. and i said to myself,

"shucks. it would be nice/cool/great/watever ‘d

term could be, to have an athlete for a 

boyfriend!" and the rest of the teachers around me

looked at me. i realize i was thinking out loud. i

even clapped my hands in glee as i said the

words. gudlak.

and as i sat here infront of my pc, i second the

motion of what i said earlier. hehe.

(langya. kahit ang pangit ang athlete, parang ang

guapo tuloy. hekhek.)

i was googling myself… i mean, i googled my name (yeah. talk about boredom. hehe) and i accidentally came across this blogsite made by my old friends.  my friends kept on mentioning my name on the site that it turned up on the search engine. =D

anyways, one blog was about an excerpt from andrew comiskey’s book titled Strength in Weaknesses. i thought i’d share it here juga.

"Shame is the raincoat of the soul, repelling the living water that would otherwise establish us as the beloved of God. It prevents us from receiving grace and truth where we need them the most….

But our Father is faithful. Through the cross Jesus removes every attitude that repels the truth of the Father’s love for us. That love surpasses the cursed thought patterns collected over a lifetime of pain.

Though thick and well suited to repel love, our “shame coats” are no match for God’s love for us, a love revealed at Calvary."

a friend once said that girls are most of the time logical…

ok Men, don’t react on this just yet. Let me explain. In behalf of all women, let me elaborate. (of course, this goes to show that I like what my friend said. hehe)

Generally, women are seen as more emotional rather than rational. ok… fine… Frankly, it did frustrate me how I, myself, got easily disappointed or be hurt by (sometimes) seemingly small actions, especially from people you care about. until I read a book titled Captivating.. and as I think about what my friend said, it actually made sense.

Stasi Eldredge, writer of Captivating, wrote that women are by nature relational. And By Nature means that they are created (by God) originally with it, with a deep sense of finding fulfillment in every relationship they might have—family, friends, and lovers…

and if these relationships around us didn’t work out well, women would feel deep sense of disappointment.. or maybe loss (in the case of broken relationships).. since most women find their sense of being in being accepted and affirmed(relationally), we tend to put high Relational Expectations not only to the ones we love but also to ourselves.

What I mean by Relational Expectations is that we expect the people we love to behave certain ways toward us. and we, in return, expect ourselves to do whatever we can to preserve these relationships. It could be through our mothering capabilities, through our good personalities, or even through our beauty. (yes, beauty has it’s powers.hehe)

Stasi is right when she said, women have a deep sense of longing to be loved, pursued and fought for. and without that in our lives we feel unappreciated, unloved, and insignificant. and all these are found, NOT in the absence of people around, but in the presence and realm of Relationships.

So, when these relationships do not work out, we get hurt. and our hurts are oftentimes manifested through Tears.

i guess this is the Rationale behind that seemingly “fact” about women being too emotional.

after i read the book, and hearing my friend’s comment about women, it kinda felt good to know that a woman in tears, is not a woman that manipulates, but just a woman expressing her pain through tears.. and we, often have reason, a logical one, why we feel what we feel. besides, we are, afterall created in God’s Image. If men are the Rational Image of God, then we, women, are obviously the Image of an Emotional God. =)

by the way, it was a Guy friend who made that statement about women being Logical..

…and No, I did not pay him to make one. hehe (I just gave him coffee. haha) (kidding)

(DISCLAIMER: due to lack of space, we weren’t able to include all the women of the same characteristics in this picture. You have to go to Ica to meet the rest of them =)…and to the men of Ica– don’t be such Amalekites! hekhek.)

after the rain… streets reflect anything above it.. nature was bathed by the sky that oversees. i guess, the rain leaves the skies and water the ground beneath it. fulfilling its purpose…for growth.. budding plants..a colorful flower..a new beginning.

"Lord, thank you for the storms in my life…to You, i owe everything Green around me and inside me.. a new beginning..(again) a beautiful beginning…"

11:11pm

..just finishing my 2^nd cup of my caffeine fix. It’s raining outside. I did not go to work today. feeling terribly sick. and vertigo seems to sneak around if I’m not goin to sleep this through. sigh. but it feels good to just rest and stay in bed longer than you are supposed to. letting time passes you by the minute. feelings of relief and guilt mix themselves like creamer in a black coffee. relief, that I can just be still. guilt, because, I know that the world moves on.. and I was not moving with it. anyways, what the heck. it will move whether I am on it or not. and I’m sure I won’t be missed.

oh well. might as well be happy with this free Time I let myself have. =)